Some days, I have no idea what I am thinking or doing. Biggest question is what I am thinking and doing with this man. Today, the answer is, I have no idea. Other days, its because I love him. And other days, its because I am afraid to split my family apart again because of the affect it will have on our daughter. Fact is, I am not happy. I may be happy 20% of the time, but is that enough to stay? Why am I so scared to leave? Its not like he does anything for me or help me out in any way. Only thing he does is cause me stress. So why the hell do I stay; better question is, why the hell would anyone want to. There is little to no trust. I can barely believe much of anything he tells me. He is a grade A liar and can say whatever he wants to spin things his way. Sad part is, even though I know I shouldn't, I still stay. I feel like the biggest coward alive, especially today. Maybe the reason I really don't want to leave is that his family is great and I love them. But wake up Sab, I also have a family, and they are pretty great themselves. Even though I am opposed to moving to New York, I know its not the worst thing I can do. At least I will be close to my family. I can think of all the reasons not to go, but I really cant thing of any reason why I should stay where I presently am.
I can sit here and make a list of pros and cons about this man, and the sad part is, the cons would probably be twice as long as the pros. When I think of the good man I passed up on to come back to this torture, I want to slap myself silly. At this juncture in my life, I have no idea what I am doing, thinking or what I really want anymore. Happiness lately seems like an abstract thought and a fantasy. Something you always try to attain but can never truly reach. I consider myself a strong person, at least I used to, but now I am this weak being that I don't even recognize. I have no idea what to do. Most people would say, just leave him, and I am so close to doing just that, but I always have to try to find the good in people I love and maybe I just need to stop doing that. Maybe there is no good in a person that doesn't do good things.
I feel all my walls going back up and I am guarding myself from pain as best as I can at the moment, but I am going to let this relationship crash and burn and wont make any attempt to save it. I tried as much as I could for as long as I could and this is no longer on me to fix. If this is where he wants to be then he will have to start doing the right things. But I have to place a time limit on this and if things are still like this in a month, I will end it. There really is no point in being in something where there is no future.
