A mess

From my last post over a year ago, a million and one thing shave happened.

I married that man, and we were happy for a little bit. At least I thought we were. With all relationships, they continually need work but at times, we didn't always want to put the work in. I felt severely taken advantage of and he wanted the single life. A little after we were celebrated our one year anniversary, he gave up and left me and his daughter because he wasn't happy. He apparently moved in with someone from his past. I filed for divorce because I wasn't going to tolerate this mess. But he begged me to take him back and I did for the sake of our daughter, and of course i still loved him. That turned out to be a mistake. I found out 3 weeks after he came home, that he had gotten that girl pregnant. and about 2 months after i found that out, i found out he was cheating on me with that same girl. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart once, but he had to drive over it with a car multiple and turned it into a pulp. Of course i filed for divorce yet again, and it will be final next week. I started talking to one of my exes...the one that broke my heart. We started talking, but it was not my intention to start anything with anyone, but that is what happened. I just went with the flow of things. But one day things did not feel right with him. I don't know why but something clicked that I was not ready for this. We were talking about marriage and I wasn't even divorced yet. i started to really think. Maybe the person that I was loving was the person he was 5 years ago when we were together and not who he is now. And you know what sucks about the whole thing, this man really loves me and I so happy to be back with me and has told everyone he can about me and how he found the one. And here i am, freaking out about moving too fast and questioning my feelings for him and what feelings i still have for my husband. I feel like a POS for going along with things, dragging him into this sham of my life and hurting him, which just seems inevitable. I still love my husband, but I can not trust him. He still wants to be with me, but WHY, when he wanted so out of our marriage that he refused to work on it, left, came back, and cheated. Why should i not give the BF a chance, maybe i will renew the love I once felt for him.

I have no idea what is going on or what is going to happen next. What I do know is this:

I put my relationship on the slow track with the BF so that I can sort this crap out and to try to lessen any hurt he may feel from my actions

I am getting divorced on Wednesday no matter what

I need to get myself together and figure out what my next step is and live for ME for a change and no one else (well besides my wonderful daughter).

(In closing, what I will say is that I want someone to fight for ME. 5 years ago, i fought for the BF and i fought for my husband because i loved them both. But will anyone really and truly fight to have me as the woman in their life. Only time will tell. Only time will tell)