Where to From Here

Where to from here? I love this guy so much that I cant move on, and I have been trying to be. I tell myself all kinds of things for me to hate him and move on. I talk to guys to help me move on and still I have been unable to do so. I do think he is my soul mate, but apparently soul mates that cannot be together.

I finally texted him and said "I know this may be pointless and you may have already moved on, but I still love you." Couple of hours later he responded saying that he will never stop loving me but there were things we didn't work out. And I responded by saying I know, but I am willing to try, and he never responded. So now I don't know what to do or think. Well that's not true, I wont text him anymore, I know how I feel and I know how he feels, and he knows I want to work things out. If he doesn't, he doesn't, and there is nothing I can really do about that. Maybe he has a girlfriend now that he like really much. I don't know. The best thing I can do now is to leave him be. If he loves me as much as he claims, then we will be together one day, I want it to be today, but I am a dreamer. But I will just live my life the best I can. I know for a fact that I don't want to be with anyone else; I am not really ready to date. But one day I will be, and if I meet someone that is worthy of my time, I will take that opportunity.

Mistakes

Don't you wish there were mistakes that you could just fix. Well I made one last night, and thank goodness I was able to fix it. Last night, this young girl came to my house and offered me a free rug cleaning. Well that wasn't all I was getting myself into. She comes in and starts talking to me about this product, the Kirby. When I said it was ok to clean my rug, she calls her boss back and lets him know that he can bring the vacuum buy. Now she is really excited about cleaning the rugs. She unpacks it, and starts talking about every piece. Now they caught me in the middle of work so I amused her, as she explains what each piece is for. Then she cleans my couch, however, she uses filters that shows the dirt, and changes them every few seconds so I can see exactly how dirty the couch was. Then she moves to the bed and tries to tell me about dust mites of which I didn't want to know anything about it. Then she cleans/shampoos the carpet in my room, of which by the way it didn't do anything, just made it damp with a weird smell. Then I simply ask her for a number just in case I would be interested. She calls her boss back who talks figures. I was impressed, so I ended up being suckered into getting one. Now these vacuums cost $2,000. Yea, I don't have that kind of money to spend on a vacuum. So I could not sleep that night. Woke up to use the bathroom, and could not fall back to sleep for another 2 hours, I was tormented. So I called the office to see when they were open. After that, the boss called to see how I was doing with the vacuum and I said I had to return it. So he came and was trying to sell me or persuade me, but I just wanted him out of my house. Then he had the audacity to say that the girl said I screamed at her. And that even though I am smiling I come of standoffish, and said hopefully I will work on that. I wanted to drop kick him.

But you know what, I feel relieved now... and the next time someone comes knocking on my door that I don't know, I wont even open it.

Well that was the mistake that I was able to fix. I have big things to do and places where I should spend money, and a vacuum in a place that I RENT, I don't need a vacuum for that price.

LOST!!

Do you wish that you can just go back in time and fix things that you now know you screwed up. That is what I am wishing right now, and the thing that I would fix is all in college. I am not talking about friends or men, even though there are things there that I would also change, but my college education. I would have chosen a different major and took the path that I wanted since childhood, to teach, more specifically to teach math, as I realize a former classmate of mine is actually doing. Now I cant figure out how to fix this mess. I have over 10 math classes to take and don't know how to take them. All math classes at any school are offered during the day, but I have a full time job that pays the bills and gives me shelter, so I cant possibly just leave that. The other factor is financial; I don't know how to pay for the additional classes. More loans, more debt, but loans wont cover everything, so where does that leave me....Picking up an additional job to cover the rest. But that's not horrible, I am used to that...Working my ass off to spend my money on everything else but me. And this is the only thing I want to do at the present moment, is to teach middle school math, and at this point, it just doesn't seem feasible, and I am lost and depressed, and I don't know what to do or where to turn, cause the honest truth no one can help me. Like I have been for so much of my life, I am alone. No one can offer me a solution and I cant offer myself one. Maybe if I was in the city, I could do that fellowship program, but the city is the last place I want to be. So I don't have any options. So again, I am LOST!!! And depressed and frustrated. Is there where my life stops. Its not a bad life, I have a lot more than a lot of people, but its just not where I want to be. I thought my life would be different, that I would be somewhere else, but that's not the case. LOST...Is all I can say.