No Idea what I am thinking

Some days, I have no idea what I am thinking or doing.  Biggest question is what I am thinking and doing with this man.  Today, the answer is, I have no idea.  Other days, its because I love him.  And other days, its because I am afraid to split my family apart again because of the affect it will have on our daughter.  Fact is, I am not happy.  I may be happy 20% of the time, but is that enough to stay? Why am I so scared to leave? Its not like he does anything for me or help me out in any way.  Only thing he does is cause me stress.  So why the hell do I stay; better question is, why the hell would anyone want to.  There is little to no trust.  I can barely believe much of anything he tells me.  He is a grade A liar and can say whatever he wants to spin things his way.  Sad part is, even though I know I shouldn't, I still stay.  I feel like the biggest coward alive, especially today.  Maybe the reason I really don't want to leave is that his family is great and I love them.  But wake up Sab, I also have a family, and they are pretty great themselves.  Even though I am opposed to moving to New York, I know its not the worst thing I can do.  At least I will be close to my family.  I can think of all the reasons not to go, but I really cant thing of any reason why I should stay where I presently am.

I can sit here and make a list of pros and cons about this man, and the sad part is, the cons would probably be twice as long as the pros.  When I think of the good man I passed up on to come back to this torture, I want to slap myself silly.  At this juncture in my life, I have no idea what I am doing, thinking or what I really want anymore.  Happiness lately seems like an abstract thought and a fantasy.  Something you always try to attain but can never truly reach.  I consider myself a strong person, at least I used to, but now I am this weak being that I don't even recognize. I have no idea what to do.  Most people would say, just leave him, and I am so close to doing just that, but I always have to try to find the good in people I love and maybe I just need to stop doing that.  Maybe there is no good in a person that doesn't do good things.

I feel all my walls going back up and I am guarding myself from pain as best as I can at the moment, but I am going to let this relationship crash and burn and wont make any attempt to save it.  I tried as much as I could for as long as I could and this is no longer on me to fix.  If this is where he wants to be then he will have to start doing the right things.  But I have to place a time limit on this and if things are still like this in a month, I will end it.  There  really is no point in being in something where there is no future.

My Test

I will be tested tonight and I hope I can keep it together.  Mike is picking up Isabella today so she can spend the night at our place so her mother can get a break.  Which I completely understand, every mother needs a break.  My test comes in on how well I handle having this child in my house, in my space and in my presence.  (Have i mentioned that I have never met the kid before, neither has my daughter.)  I know it is not the baby's fault, so there is no reason for me to take anything out on a defenseless child, but I know I will have feelings I cant explain.  It may make me feel bad and hurt my feelings have her around.  But I know I am strong and if I am not feeling it, I can definitely fake it.  I want to be supportive of Mike and everything he is dealing with, but if I cant handle it, I will just distance myself.  That shouldn't be too hard to do...I have two floors I can be on.  I have Adele and Charli to occupy my time and in the morning I have somewhere to go if I need to get away.

So, here is hoping that things go well and I can handle this situation i chose to return to.  Because I did put myself here, so I have to handle whatever happens are walk away.

Happier Days

The last few days have been very good for me, which is a great thing after the weekend I had.  I didn't do anything special or go anywhere, just been at home with my family and it has been peaceful and great.  No stress at all, just enjoying our time together and being happy just being together.  So for the past few days, I can say I have been happy and I want everyday to be like this.  I know that is unrealistic, but I can hope, cant I?

I really want to move and I need to figure out how to make that happen.  Financially, it appears almost impossible, but if there is a will there is a way.  We all go to Florida in a few weeks for Jason and Whitney's wedding, so that should be a good time.  I need to find a bathing suit though, because the one i bought down there is sure to strangle me...or maybe not since i lost some weight.

Right when we get back from Florida, I plan on having Adele's birthday party, so I need to get on that and get that moving.  It will be at MIL, so i should avoid most of the stress of having it here.  The pics below are MIL's back/side yard, which looks SO much better than my backyard.  So it should be a good time for everyone.

Now all I have to do is get a theme going, so i will think about that a little later. 

Hell of a Weekend, filled with Drama

You know the lifetime movies where another woman is obsessed with your significant other and cant get the hint that their past relationship is over and she is determined to hold on and make everyone's life miserable?  That is what I am presently dealing with.

This woman logged into my husband's email account (when they were together before he gave it to her) and sent emails to herself and then forwarded them to me as "proof" of their relationship.  I then asked my hubby for his email password and everyone he gave me didn't work, which means that she at some point changed it and he forgot what it was.  I figured out how to change it and did and changed anyway for any other person to change it and gave him the new password.  She tries later that day to log into the account and finds out that she cant and emails me nastiness about me locking hubby out of his own email and "tattles" to him about it.  I so kindly told her he wasn't locked out, she was, and that halted anymore contact from her for the day.  But this woman caused so much stress and arguments between me and hubby ALL weekend. There is more history that isn't here that might be in previous posts that led me to believe some of what she was saying, but after thinking about things, there was nothing hubby could have done that should have led me to believe her.  He is always with me.  By the end of the weekend, things were OK with hubby, but it just goes to show what one crazy, obsessed woman would do to get what she wants and not let go of what she once has.  Who knows that we are back together but still insists they are a couple.  Its complete madness and I don't think she will ever stop.  We have to do things differently now so she has no ammunition to use against him to try to break us apart, because that is her goal.

All I can say is, I cant wait to move away from this bloody place.

deja vu

Its like deja vu all over again. Don't know what to do or who to believe. I would think I deserve better than this. The uncertainty of it all. It's a mess, and some days I have to ask myself why. A word loaded with a million questions

Its time to move on

Every so often, I get the feeling that it is time to move on from where I work.  It is getting more apparent to me that that time is upon me.  I am really starting to hate this place.  And this week did nothing to change my view point; it actually made it worst.  Without doing anything wrong, everything I did was wrong.  I went to an appointment that was approved for weeks as scheduled; there was an accident and I was stuck in traffic and couldn't make it to work on time (note, I was not the only one stuck in traffic, there were 2 other employees stuck in traffic, but I got to work before either of them); one of my bosses didn't properly communicate their expectations of a certain project, so I did the items that she asked, but when one thing wasn't done, which wasn't requested of me, it was my fault.  On some level at this stage, I am hoping that they fire me.  Firing me allows me to stay home, my mortgage insurance will cover my mortgage for 6 months; it will allow me time to figure out how to sell the house and move from this state; time to find another job so that i can move out of the state; and allow me to de-stress and pull myself together so that i can be a suitable employee to someone else.

September 2011 will mark 5 years in Rhode Island, and that is 5 years too long.  I moved here with certain expectations and I was let down within a month of being here.  I thought I moved somewhere where i would be around family, but they didn't have time for me and it was nothing like i expected - I was left alone in a foreign state.  Thank goodness I had my cats.  This state brought me one good thing, my daughter, but besides that, nothing but trouble and a headache and I am ready to leave all of that behind me.

I try to be a good person, I really do, and some days that is extremely hard to do when I feel attacked from all sides.  I need to make preparations to move on and try to be happy and find a job that I will enjoy, at least for a while.

Utter Confusion

I need help. I really do. Maybe I am still confused. Maybe I have no idea what I want. Maybe there is quite the possibility that I don't want anything or anyone. Who bloody knows.

I got an email from Jason and it has me twisted inside. I feel sick to my stomach. And its because I know how much i hurt him and how much anguish i caused. But I also know he doesn't have my heart and it sucks. The person that has my heart, honestly doesn't deserve it. But it all comes down to you cant help who you love.

Life is complicated and all I want is my family together and to be happy. Is that something I will ever have? Will the complications caused by Mike ever allow that?

Have I turned into that dumb female???????????????

Lets see what tomorrow brings. I can only handle one thing at a time, one day at a time.

New Start

So, me and the ex-hubby are trying yet again. I hope this isn't a vicious cycle with me getting hurt in the end and Adele being further confused, because that is the last thing I want.

Right now, things are pretty slow moving, which I guess is a good thing. I need to see that he has changed and that he is giving this his all. Am I still scared, definitely. There are a lot of unknowns out there. Am I looking forward to the drama and stress that this girl will create? Not at all. Do I have to brace myself for it? Absolutely. Am I hoping that we will stand together on this? Yes. Am I hoping we will be stronger because of this? I am praying yes.

I want my family back, and that is what it comes down to. I keep hearing, life is too short to be unhappy and life is too short not to be with the person you love. I hope they are right and I can find happiness with the person that I love. I know many people wont agree with me doing this, and one person in particular will be extremely hurt once he finds out, but for once, I have to do what I think is right for me and no one else. As crazy as this may appear, it feels right to me.

I am praying that I have the strength to take on this burden of taking him back and trying to have trust and faith in him again. But truly, only time will tell if I am making the right choice and I am the only one that has to live with this choice.

Here's hoping.

A mess

From my last post over a year ago, a million and one thing shave happened.

I married that man, and we were happy for a little bit. At least I thought we were. With all relationships, they continually need work but at times, we didn't always want to put the work in. I felt severely taken advantage of and he wanted the single life. A little after we were celebrated our one year anniversary, he gave up and left me and his daughter because he wasn't happy. He apparently moved in with someone from his past. I filed for divorce because I wasn't going to tolerate this mess. But he begged me to take him back and I did for the sake of our daughter, and of course i still loved him. That turned out to be a mistake. I found out 3 weeks after he came home, that he had gotten that girl pregnant. and about 2 months after i found that out, i found out he was cheating on me with that same girl. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart once, but he had to drive over it with a car multiple and turned it into a pulp. Of course i filed for divorce yet again, and it will be final next week. I started talking to one of my exes...the one that broke my heart. We started talking, but it was not my intention to start anything with anyone, but that is what happened. I just went with the flow of things. But one day things did not feel right with him. I don't know why but something clicked that I was not ready for this. We were talking about marriage and I wasn't even divorced yet. i started to really think. Maybe the person that I was loving was the person he was 5 years ago when we were together and not who he is now. And you know what sucks about the whole thing, this man really loves me and I so happy to be back with me and has told everyone he can about me and how he found the one. And here i am, freaking out about moving too fast and questioning my feelings for him and what feelings i still have for my husband. I feel like a POS for going along with things, dragging him into this sham of my life and hurting him, which just seems inevitable. I still love my husband, but I can not trust him. He still wants to be with me, but WHY, when he wanted so out of our marriage that he refused to work on it, left, came back, and cheated. Why should i not give the BF a chance, maybe i will renew the love I once felt for him.

I have no idea what is going on or what is going to happen next. What I do know is this:

I put my relationship on the slow track with the BF so that I can sort this crap out and to try to lessen any hurt he may feel from my actions

I am getting divorced on Wednesday no matter what

I need to get myself together and figure out what my next step is and live for ME for a change and no one else (well besides my wonderful daughter).

(In closing, what I will say is that I want someone to fight for ME. 5 years ago, i fought for the BF and i fought for my husband because i loved them both. But will anyone really and truly fight to have me as the woman in their life. Only time will tell. Only time will tell)