No Idea what I am thinking

Some days, I have no idea what I am thinking or doing.  Biggest question is what I am thinking and doing with this man.  Today, the answer is, I have no idea.  Other days, its because I love him.  And other days, its because I am afraid to split my family apart again because of the affect it will have on our daughter.  Fact is, I am not happy.  I may be happy 20% of the time, but is that enough to stay? Why am I so scared to leave? Its not like he does anything for me or help me out in any way.  Only thing he does is cause me stress.  So why the hell do I stay; better question is, why the hell would anyone want to.  There is little to no trust.  I can barely believe much of anything he tells me.  He is a grade A liar and can say whatever he wants to spin things his way.  Sad part is, even though I know I shouldn't, I still stay.  I feel like the biggest coward alive, especially today.  Maybe the reason I really don't want to leave is that his family is great and I love them.  But wake up Sab, I also have a family, and they are pretty great themselves.  Even though I am opposed to moving to New York, I know its not the worst thing I can do.  At least I will be close to my family.  I can think of all the reasons not to go, but I really cant thing of any reason why I should stay where I presently am.

I can sit here and make a list of pros and cons about this man, and the sad part is, the cons would probably be twice as long as the pros.  When I think of the good man I passed up on to come back to this torture, I want to slap myself silly.  At this juncture in my life, I have no idea what I am doing, thinking or what I really want anymore.  Happiness lately seems like an abstract thought and a fantasy.  Something you always try to attain but can never truly reach.  I consider myself a strong person, at least I used to, but now I am this weak being that I don't even recognize. I have no idea what to do.  Most people would say, just leave him, and I am so close to doing just that, but I always have to try to find the good in people I love and maybe I just need to stop doing that.  Maybe there is no good in a person that doesn't do good things.

I feel all my walls going back up and I am guarding myself from pain as best as I can at the moment, but I am going to let this relationship crash and burn and wont make any attempt to save it.  I tried as much as I could for as long as I could and this is no longer on me to fix.  If this is where he wants to be then he will have to start doing the right things.  But I have to place a time limit on this and if things are still like this in a month, I will end it.  There  really is no point in being in something where there is no future.

My Test

I will be tested tonight and I hope I can keep it together.  Mike is picking up Isabella today so she can spend the night at our place so her mother can get a break.  Which I completely understand, every mother needs a break.  My test comes in on how well I handle having this child in my house, in my space and in my presence.  (Have i mentioned that I have never met the kid before, neither has my daughter.)  I know it is not the baby's fault, so there is no reason for me to take anything out on a defenseless child, but I know I will have feelings I cant explain.  It may make me feel bad and hurt my feelings have her around.  But I know I am strong and if I am not feeling it, I can definitely fake it.  I want to be supportive of Mike and everything he is dealing with, but if I cant handle it, I will just distance myself.  That shouldn't be too hard to do...I have two floors I can be on.  I have Adele and Charli to occupy my time and in the morning I have somewhere to go if I need to get away.

So, here is hoping that things go well and I can handle this situation i chose to return to.  Because I did put myself here, so I have to handle whatever happens are walk away.

Happier Days

The last few days have been very good for me, which is a great thing after the weekend I had.  I didn't do anything special or go anywhere, just been at home with my family and it has been peaceful and great.  No stress at all, just enjoying our time together and being happy just being together.  So for the past few days, I can say I have been happy and I want everyday to be like this.  I know that is unrealistic, but I can hope, cant I?

I really want to move and I need to figure out how to make that happen.  Financially, it appears almost impossible, but if there is a will there is a way.  We all go to Florida in a few weeks for Jason and Whitney's wedding, so that should be a good time.  I need to find a bathing suit though, because the one i bought down there is sure to strangle me...or maybe not since i lost some weight.

Right when we get back from Florida, I plan on having Adele's birthday party, so I need to get on that and get that moving.  It will be at MIL, so i should avoid most of the stress of having it here.  The pics below are MIL's back/side yard, which looks SO much better than my backyard.  So it should be a good time for everyone.

Now all I have to do is get a theme going, so i will think about that a little later. 

Hell of a Weekend, filled with Drama

You know the lifetime movies where another woman is obsessed with your significant other and cant get the hint that their past relationship is over and she is determined to hold on and make everyone's life miserable?  That is what I am presently dealing with.

This woman logged into my husband's email account (when they were together before he gave it to her) and sent emails to herself and then forwarded them to me as "proof" of their relationship.  I then asked my hubby for his email password and everyone he gave me didn't work, which means that she at some point changed it and he forgot what it was.  I figured out how to change it and did and changed anyway for any other person to change it and gave him the new password.  She tries later that day to log into the account and finds out that she cant and emails me nastiness about me locking hubby out of his own email and "tattles" to him about it.  I so kindly told her he wasn't locked out, she was, and that halted anymore contact from her for the day.  But this woman caused so much stress and arguments between me and hubby ALL weekend. There is more history that isn't here that might be in previous posts that led me to believe some of what she was saying, but after thinking about things, there was nothing hubby could have done that should have led me to believe her.  He is always with me.  By the end of the weekend, things were OK with hubby, but it just goes to show what one crazy, obsessed woman would do to get what she wants and not let go of what she once has.  Who knows that we are back together but still insists they are a couple.  Its complete madness and I don't think she will ever stop.  We have to do things differently now so she has no ammunition to use against him to try to break us apart, because that is her goal.

All I can say is, I cant wait to move away from this bloody place.

deja vu

Its like deja vu all over again. Don't know what to do or who to believe. I would think I deserve better than this. The uncertainty of it all. It's a mess, and some days I have to ask myself why. A word loaded with a million questions