Here comes a new year!!

Its new years eve, and its the second one in a row for which i am alone. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be a lonely thing. But i will ride it out. it is how it is for a reason, and i wont question it.

This year is over, and another is about to begin, and I have to look forward to that and to what it brings and offers me.

I haven't really met any new friends and that bothers me alot, but I have no one to blame for that. I moved, but still nothing has changed. I don't go anywhere and I don't do anything. I keep telling myself that its cold and when it gets warmer, it will be better, I will get out more...but is that really the truth. Will i feel pathetic and lonely going places alone. Where and how can i meet new people and how will i meet my prince charming. and speaking of prince charming, i know i can be picky, and i don't know how to change that. I am trying to be open, but that is just hard for me. But one day, one day i will find the guy for me. i don't know where or when, but it will happen - especially with this dream i had last night. I left me hopeful.

I hope things will be good for me this year. i don't know what is in store but i want to enjoy myself.

I was looking at last year's resolutions and i haven't accomplished everything, so i will just roll those over to this year and lets hope that i can finish them this year.

Well i don't feel like venting or complaining about this past Christmas, all i want to do is look forward to the new year.

New Start

So much has happened since my last post 7 months ago. I am over my ex completely. No more crying or wishing for us to be together. I have moved out of state and started over again.

Since my last entry, I have not spoken to whats his face (yes, he is not even worthy of getting his name mentioned). I got another cat a couple months ago, so now there is Tate and Tango, also known as the devil incarnate. He is wicked and annoying, but i still love him. And Tate, like usual, is just AWESOME.

I moved to RI and so far so good. My job is good and i like the people that I work with. I havent really been out cause i have been working hard trying to pay my step mom back and just trying to be ok and not be broke all the time. I still have a couple things i need to get for my apartment, and i need to get them soon since the holidays are coming and i actually have people coming up.

But all in all, I am happy here. I met this one guy Tim, such a jerk and so self involved. But then there is this other guy, James, that i havent met yet, but we talk and we get along really well together, atleast so far. He doesnt annoy me and there arent things about him that i can say i dont like and thats turning me off from meeting him. He makes the effort, which is nice, and I like the way we are together so far, its very comfortable. We are meeting this weekend, so hopefully it goes well. The only thing that I am concerned with is that he is in NY, more so in Albany, and I am timid about a long distance relationship. But i am willing to give it a shot.

I am not sure when I will write again, but i will try to keep it up.

Where to From Here

Where to from here? I love this guy so much that I cant move on, and I have been trying to be. I tell myself all kinds of things for me to hate him and move on. I talk to guys to help me move on and still I have been unable to do so. I do think he is my soul mate, but apparently soul mates that cannot be together.

I finally texted him and said "I know this may be pointless and you may have already moved on, but I still love you." Couple of hours later he responded saying that he will never stop loving me but there were things we didn't work out. And I responded by saying I know, but I am willing to try, and he never responded. So now I don't know what to do or think. Well that's not true, I wont text him anymore, I know how I feel and I know how he feels, and he knows I want to work things out. If he doesn't, he doesn't, and there is nothing I can really do about that. Maybe he has a girlfriend now that he like really much. I don't know. The best thing I can do now is to leave him be. If he loves me as much as he claims, then we will be together one day, I want it to be today, but I am a dreamer. But I will just live my life the best I can. I know for a fact that I don't want to be with anyone else; I am not really ready to date. But one day I will be, and if I meet someone that is worthy of my time, I will take that opportunity.

Mistakes

Don't you wish there were mistakes that you could just fix. Well I made one last night, and thank goodness I was able to fix it. Last night, this young girl came to my house and offered me a free rug cleaning. Well that wasn't all I was getting myself into. She comes in and starts talking to me about this product, the Kirby. When I said it was ok to clean my rug, she calls her boss back and lets him know that he can bring the vacuum buy. Now she is really excited about cleaning the rugs. She unpacks it, and starts talking about every piece. Now they caught me in the middle of work so I amused her, as she explains what each piece is for. Then she cleans my couch, however, she uses filters that shows the dirt, and changes them every few seconds so I can see exactly how dirty the couch was. Then she moves to the bed and tries to tell me about dust mites of which I didn't want to know anything about it. Then she cleans/shampoos the carpet in my room, of which by the way it didn't do anything, just made it damp with a weird smell. Then I simply ask her for a number just in case I would be interested. She calls her boss back who talks figures. I was impressed, so I ended up being suckered into getting one. Now these vacuums cost $2,000. Yea, I don't have that kind of money to spend on a vacuum. So I could not sleep that night. Woke up to use the bathroom, and could not fall back to sleep for another 2 hours, I was tormented. So I called the office to see when they were open. After that, the boss called to see how I was doing with the vacuum and I said I had to return it. So he came and was trying to sell me or persuade me, but I just wanted him out of my house. Then he had the audacity to say that the girl said I screamed at her. And that even though I am smiling I come of standoffish, and said hopefully I will work on that. I wanted to drop kick him.

But you know what, I feel relieved now... and the next time someone comes knocking on my door that I don't know, I wont even open it.

Well that was the mistake that I was able to fix. I have big things to do and places where I should spend money, and a vacuum in a place that I RENT, I don't need a vacuum for that price.

LOST!!

Do you wish that you can just go back in time and fix things that you now know you screwed up. That is what I am wishing right now, and the thing that I would fix is all in college. I am not talking about friends or men, even though there are things there that I would also change, but my college education. I would have chosen a different major and took the path that I wanted since childhood, to teach, more specifically to teach math, as I realize a former classmate of mine is actually doing. Now I cant figure out how to fix this mess. I have over 10 math classes to take and don't know how to take them. All math classes at any school are offered during the day, but I have a full time job that pays the bills and gives me shelter, so I cant possibly just leave that. The other factor is financial; I don't know how to pay for the additional classes. More loans, more debt, but loans wont cover everything, so where does that leave me....Picking up an additional job to cover the rest. But that's not horrible, I am used to that...Working my ass off to spend my money on everything else but me. And this is the only thing I want to do at the present moment, is to teach middle school math, and at this point, it just doesn't seem feasible, and I am lost and depressed, and I don't know what to do or where to turn, cause the honest truth no one can help me. Like I have been for so much of my life, I am alone. No one can offer me a solution and I cant offer myself one. Maybe if I was in the city, I could do that fellowship program, but the city is the last place I want to be. So I don't have any options. So again, I am LOST!!! And depressed and frustrated. Is there where my life stops. Its not a bad life, I have a lot more than a lot of people, but its just not where I want to be. I thought my life would be different, that I would be somewhere else, but that's not the case. LOST...Is all I can say.

Inspections

Why do i need to get my car inspected every year? Thats all, i am too teed off to finish, and too tired.

Titanic

As I was working today, I watched Titanic. I haven't watched that movie in years. And I never used to be an emotion kind of person till my last relationship. But this movie had me tearing up for really the first time, and the one thing that I realize that I know a lot of people realized is that we want that kind of love. We know that it may never come around, but it hasn't stopped us from wanting it. I thought I had it once, but I bet everyone thought that at one point in their life. And the ones that found are very lucky to be one in the few that can find love that powerful and strong. I will always be in search for love like that; whether its a pointless quest or wishful hoping, its something to hold onto.

A Pig's Life is Great

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. !
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? )

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be! a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. !
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Different Job

Well I finally get to leave PW and thats thanks to my step parents, and that couldn't make me any happier. The work isn't hard and I can do it at my leisure, and that's practically the best part about it. Other than that..I've gotten myself into more debt, but its all worth it, its not like I cant make my payments or something.

Anyways, there are no new men in my life, except for the ones I meet online, but they don't really count. Not even sure if I am ready for another relationship yet, but if its meant to be at some point it will be.

At this point I am not really writing anything meaningful or useful, I am just tired. So, enough for now.

Its Only Life

thats my new thing, its only life.... Nothing else to it but that. I dont have much to say but that....

Life

At this moment, life is extremely boring. Maybe its because I am a boring person, or maybe my circumstances are making it boring. I don't really know what the case may be, but I know for sure that my life is boring. Not only is it boring, but I still have these feelings for my ex that I cant get rid of, that is making it impossible for me to move on without bringing a lot of baggage with me, and believe me, I don't need any additional baggage, cause I have enough on my own. I know that I deserve better and he definitely doesn't deserve me, but apparently, knowing that isn't enough for me to be completely over this jerk. And what is making it worst, is that this jerk used to be my bestfriend. Now isn't that a dichotomy. All any girl want is to be with her best friend; someone that knows you better than anyone else, who makes you happy just doing nothing. But we fail to think about if that bestfriend breaks our heart. Can you continue to be friends with that person. The apparent answer is no, cause look at me now. I don't talk to him and he doesn't talk to me. And the only thing that is helping me get over this is making myself believe that he has already moved on, and that in our time apart he cheated on me. Is any of that factual, who knows, but it helps me to put things in prospective and doesn't allow me to dwell on a person who can do anything like that.

For a moment I was thinking about conducting an experiment and date a white guy to see how different he would treat me than a black guy, but that would be futile. They are men and I highly doubt the treatment would be much different, cause men are innately dogs, and there isn't much they can do to change their DNA.

I am working really hard at keeping my resolutions, and so far, I am doing well, but what I would love to do is to start having fun and live my life as carefree as possible. I think I am an awesome person, so screw anyone that's disagrees. Its time to live life for me and noone else. Its time for me to be HAPPY!!!!

American Idol

I have never watched American Idol before except for maybe once, and my friend has me over here watching this show, and these people are special. Making complete asses of themselves, and they think that they are actually good. God help me cause they are horrendous. I think i will only watch this show for the first couple episodes for the laughs.

There is this one lady, and i swear to you she is from Jamaican woman and she is losing it; she even curses out Paula. This show is definitely meant to be watched with friends for the good laughs.

Well thats all i have to say for the moment.

O, one more thing... my friend told me that there is going to be an opening at UB, where i used to work. the good thing about that is that i can do that and go to school for free, and get my teaching certification. the bad thing about that is that its Upward Bound. What is a girl to do? The benefits would be awesome, and there is the school thing, but i also like working at the firm, but it is no longer in my plans. I wonder how much they would offer me... i hope at least $35000, but i am not sure how possible any of this is. Guess i will just play it by ear.

Well thats it for now....really it is.

Day Dreams

I day dream a lot, maybe I fantasize a lot. The other day I had a day dream about the boy. Telling him how I felt at this very moment in time and how I felt about him, and to say the least, it was nothing good or romantic of the sort. But after that day dream, I felt good, just knowing how I really feel, feels good.

I have other day dreams or delusions of what I want my life to be... But that's another story.

Outside sucks and I want to go home, so that's what I will do. Tomorrow maybe I will have time to write a little more.

Another Day

Well Well Well, What do I have to say today. Not much really. One of my best friends, well the only real one that I had from the past years, since the other doesn't talk to me anymore, of which I don't care that much anymore, is moving to Staten Island. He got a job there, and even though I am thrilled to hear that, cause he has been working very hard for a better position, it saddens me a little. He lives maybe 15-20 minutes from me, and I NEVER see him, and now that he is moving almost 2.5 hours away from me, I will definitely never see him. But that's what I have to deal with, cause in the end everyone leaves, and all that is left is me...And Tate, cant forget about her.

I had a blast with my sisters and cousin Saturday night, it was a great way to celebrate my new license. We laughed so much that I am not hoarse, and I am so sore from roller skating. But that is over and I have to start looking for a job, a bartending one, and I have to use what little resources and connections I have to find one. I know that I am completely fresh out of the water, and that will work against me, but I have to keep pressing and trying, and hope that I will find something that will bring in a comparable income for me to begin to save and start school...Not to mention have fun this summer and go somewhere for a change.

Mentioning going somewhere, my b-day is coming up soon and I really want to do something to celebrate, but I am at a lost. That is something else that I need to work on. Well work beckons, so I go.

Official a licensed Bartender

Well it is official everyone... I passed both my bartender's test, so therefore I am a bartender.... YIPPEE... I am thrilled and excited at that. The next plan of attack is to obtain a bartending job. It wont be easy, but I am up to the challenge. Well that's all for now. This migraine is killing me, so that is all for now.

Bartending and Chocolate

Well first things first, tomorrow I take my bartender's test, and I actually feel prepared for it...Just as long as I don't have to know my garnishes. But I should hopefully past both of the test and then I can start looking for a job.

After that, me and my sisters are going rolling skating that night. I should be an adventure because none of us have gone rollerskating in about 5 years, give or take. And its not like any of us are experts, so it should be fun and funny. And one of my younger friends are coming also, so that should be interesting. The only white girl in the midst of black folks. Will definitely being a culture shock for her.

Now on to the chocolates.... Today someone we work really close with sent the office a box of chocolates. Now I no longer eat chocolate, but hey, it was a gift, so what the hell right. For the first time ever, I had a chocolate covered graham cover, and OMG it was delightful. So now I went online to the website of the chocolate make to try to order some. But no, that's an impossible feat, cause no where on the site is there chocolate covered graham crackers. So now I have to find time to go to the store, which is about 40 minutes away, to see if I can purchase those delightful graham crackers covered in milky creaming chocolate. The only time and opportunity I have to get these chocolates is next week, and from where I am sitting, next week is an eternity away, cause remember, tomorrow I will be in the city taking my bartenders test. Can't go during the week, because I am either at work, or by the time I make it up there with rush hour traffic, the damn store will be closed. So I have to wait till next weekend which is ripping me apart inside. Why did they have to send the chocolates in the first place, Christmas was 2 weeks ago. I tell you, to torture me, yes, to torture me.

Well I will let you know how I do on the test tomorrow, keep your fingers crossed, cause I MUST pass.

Cannot Lose Her

My sister is sick, she has cervical and ovarian cancer, and its getting worst, and I am getting scared. At first we thought she just had ovarian cysts. But last year, well now, it would be the year before last, she was diagnosed with cancer. And that was such a blow to take. You know such a disease exists, but you never imagine it can happen to someone you love until it actually does, then you are left in a state of disbelief and denial.

The biggest obstacle she faced was getting treatment, because the job where she works doesn't offer her any insurance, which I think is a load of crap, since its a doctor's office. She needed to get surgery, so she received emergency insurance, from where I have no clue. But now that insurance is tapped out, and she hasn't been taking or receiving any treatment. So now the cancer has spread and she is getting weaker, and I am now getting really scared of losing my sister.

Yes, there is more to this story. Things contributing to her health, and the situation, things that are questionable all together. But as a sister, I have to be there to lend my support and guidance if needed, especially since I am the one that she turns to for that. But I feel that I should be giving more, but I don't know how. We live in 2 different cities, and I try to see her as often as possible and talk to her whenever we can, but it doesn't feel like it is enough.

I want her to get better, but she needs to want the same for herself. Bottom line is that I cant lose my sister, my nephew cant lose his mom, and my mother cant lose a daughter. So please pray for her and keep her in your prayers that she will pull through this.

The Cat

You see, I have this cat, her name is Tate. I got her after me and this guy stopped talking. She was my saving grace..But she is a NUT!!! I love her like she was my kid (cause I definitely treat her like one) but she drives my insane. Absolutely demanding and stubborn as all hell. The worst is in the morning. She leaves me alone till around 7:25 when she feels that it is time for me to wake up. And the only reason she wants me up is to pet her. When I make any movement, she yells at me, then proceeds to rub herself up against any hand that she sees. When I roll back over, she lays on my pillow, right by my face, and breathes in my face. When I do finally get up 20 minutes later, she once again begins forcing her head under my hand. When I give in and pet her she loves it for the first 3 minutes, then nips at me, and then expects me to continue to pet her after that. She has another thing coming. But thats only in the morning, thank goodness.

It is completely odd how an animal can be such a great companion to a human. I thought my step mom was insane for the way she spoke about her dog, Ruby. She bragged about her and took tons of pictures and what not; she spoiled Ruby. It seemed so silly and weird at the time, but I find myself doing the exact same thing, and it is no longer silly or weird. My step mom, like me, doesn't have any kids, so our pets are our kids; and we spoil them and talk about them like they were our only child, and we don't care what anyone has to say about it. We love our pets, they love us, and they bring joy to our lives like nothing else.

So even though Tate drives my nuts, I would lose my mind if she wasn't around, so thanks to my looney toon, Tate.

New Year, New Beginnings

This is my first day as a blogger, and I want to try this out... Atleast now i will have an avenue to express all my thoughts and feelings.

This is a new year and a new start for me. My downfall was loving a man too much, more than myself... and now that has changed. I have made some new resolutions for myself, that i am hoping that i stick to. They are not complicated or impossible to ascertain, but a challenge nonetheless.

1. Take care of all the baggage in my life and live freely...(past relationships have done damage, but its time to let it all go and move on and just live my life)
2. Be more positive.
3. Go to the gym and get into SHAPE!!!!
4. Be more HEALTHY!!!
5. Pass this bartending test, find a bartending job *NO MORE PLANET WINGS*
6. Save more and spend prudently.
7. Be more spiritual and find the true me.
8. Be content, be happy.
9. Love who you are.
10. Take care of me FIRST!!!

And now a few words of inspiration that was sent on to me that i now would like to pass on to anyone who may need it.

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
5. Slower is better.
6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no, you can't be friends. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
8. Don't settle.
9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or a better job.
18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
19. Never let a man define who you are.
20. Never borrow someone else's man.
21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
23. All men are NOT dogs.
24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
25. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...supplementary.
27. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him-he takes it for granted.
29. Never move into his mother's house.
30. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.